One of THOSE days.

If I have given you the impression that I have my act together, please let me disillusion you.  I do not.  Not always.  Not even close.  I try really hard, and I have quite nice children, but like any (every?) other mom, we have plenty of those days.  Let me tell you about mine.

Last night, I went to bed without finishing my house work, so I woke up to a house that was already a few feet behind the starting line.  The cleaning fairy has yet again disappointed me.  I am convinced that the kids see a messy house as being permission to go wild, and they did so with aplomb.

The baby was in a crappy mood because she had failed to have a crap for a few days, not counting the weensy little stone she dropped on the toddler's floor last night.  The toddler was tired because we had a weekend of birthday festivities which she has yet to recover from.  They were both peaches.  Rotten ones.

In an attempt to salvage the day, my sister and I brought them to the mall to use the Build A Bear gift card that a kind soul had given the toddler.  When Build A Bear and a pretzel fail to do bring more than a hint of a smile, you know you should just give up and pull the blankets over your head.  But I soldiered on, and put dinner in front of them.  No, they didn't eat.  They also didn't eat lunch.  Or breakfast.  I think they have a secret stash of cookies somewhere.

After dinner, the baby did another adorable little nugget in her diaper.  It didn't restore her mood at all, unfortunately.  I put her in the tub and promptly heard the toddler say "She coloring with she butt."  She was indeed.  A little turtle head of poo was drawing lines on the tub floor as she played.  I figured at that point she may as well stay in and hopefully the warm water would relax her bum into finally releasing the hounds.  After all, what is the difference between a little poo and a lot of poo?  I let the toddler go while I waited for the baby to deliver the prize.  It was not epic, but at least it was out.  Mood improved somewhat, until I took her out of the tub to clean it.  I'm not sure why she was crying when I was the one scooping finless brown trout out of the tub.

Retrieved the toddler from my bedroom where she had rearranged all of Daddy's special magazines.  No, not that kind, thank goodness.  Architectural Digest type things.  Successfully bathed two kids.

Left the toddler naked while I fed the baby.  Who promptly had a huge blowout that was not adorable.  Ok, fine.  Better out than in.  While cleaning up the baby and changing her outfit, I heard "Uh oh, poop!"  Yes, thank you Captain Obvious.  I know she pooped.  Except, she wasn't talking about the baby.  She was talking about herself.  She had laid a log in the corner, and tracked it across the rug, along with the bits of fruit that made up said log.  Yeah, over share maybe, but I saw it, so you shall too.

It was at that point that I knew the worst was over.  What else could happen?  Oh, well, the toddler had gone on a self punishing crime spree and had stolen her own pacifier out of her crib.  I could not find it.  I looked in all the usual spots.  Gone.  I was way too tired to deal with a screaming kid all night.  Soon it will happen, but not tonight.  I debated waking up the baby to go to the store for a new pacifier, but that was not truly an option.  I debated calling my mommy, but that was also not truly an option.  Ok, tonight was the night.  No binky.  Sigh.  I put her in bed, and left, wondering how much wine I'd have to drink to make her screams sound pleasant.  I did not have enough wine.  On the bright side, while cleaning up the hazmat zone kitchen, I did find her pacifier in the bag from Build A Bear, and was able to get it to her before the emotional trauma was too steep to overcome without a life time of therapy (for me.)

The Only Sleep Advice You Really Need

Edited to add: No, this doesn't really contradict the other sleep post I wrote.  I was just in a much bitchier mood when I wrote that one.

Yet another parenting post has gone viral.  A frustrated mom posted this on her friend's Tumblr account...Sleep Training Rant and every single mom's group I am part of is gleefully passing it around. It touches a nerve alright.  I don't know too many moms who can't relate to this, myself included.  As a new mom I decided to sort of shut out the static and stick with the wisdom of one book.  Then my pediatrician starting talking.  Then I read another book that I liked even better.  And then I got confused.

I had to stop and fall back on the common sense advice of my mom.  In short, decide how you want your baby to sleep and work towards that step by step.  Her concise wisdom doesn't contradict any of the sleep training books, but nor does it really align with any of them in particular.

So here's the only sleep advice you really need.  Seriously.  Pick one sensible book or theory, and stick with it.  I say sensible because some of them just aren't even remotely sensible, but I'll let you use your own judgement on that particular subject.  All of the theories have good points and bad points, and you need to decide which of the bad points you can tolerate.

Example.  The wide variety of co-sleeping, child centric theories.  They all boil down to the idea that your child sleeps beside you and nurses on demand throughout the night.  You nurse and cuddle them to sleep, and the idea is that your presence and milk provide the security needed to keep your child comfortable.  This works immediately!  Oh yes indeed.  For sleep deprived parents this is a God send.  But there is a downside.  At some point, your child becomes social and your presence is no longer that of a milk producing, heat source.  You become MOMMMYY!!!  Middle of the nights are no longer peaceful and secure.  As the other moms you know are starting to look well rested and their babies are down to one feed, or even none, you are still nursing every hour or two, and now your baby is less willing to go back to sleep after each feed.  Of course, this isn't always the case, but I do know many many moms who bear this theory out.  Pay me now or pay me later, as the case may be.

The flip side of the coin is the rigorous sleep training school.  You place your baby in the crib and leave her there until she falls asleep no matter how long that takes.  You and she will both lose a lot of sleep in those early days, but eventually she will figure it out and sleep through the night.  The downside is that this is heartbreaking as a mom, and probably even more heartbreaking to the baby.  She likely feels as though you are gone, never to return and she does not understand.

In between these two theories lie many others, none of which are perfect.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and that holds true for sleep theories as well.

So, you pick the theory that suits your temperament best, and add to it my mom's advice.  Work at it in stages aiming at your ideal sleep situation.  Don't let the static creep into your head and steer you from the path you've chosen.  You are not wrong.  You are your child's mother, so you are the only one who knows best.

A sleeping baby; the most beautiful sight in the world.

Why It All Works, Pretty Much

I don't think I can stress enough that what I talk about is what works for MY family at THIS time in our life.  I hope that anything you read here can help you in some way, but even if you just came here to gawk at the mom who still believes in old fashioned parenting, or whatever you want to call it, know that I think you are doing a great job, whatever you are doing, and I am not judging you.

Amongst my friends and family are proof that whatever you do works, as long as you love your kids, and are consistent. With those two keys in place, your kids are overwhelmingly likely to turn out just fine.

I know one family in which cleanliness takes a backseat to fun.  Not just sometimes, but all the times.  Where I would let the girls build a fort out of the living room cushions and then ask that they put them back before moving on to something else, this mom would not even notice the cushions out until she tried to sit on the couch.  Dinner?  Whatever she can slap together in five minutes.  Her sweet as can be kids worship her, and respect her fully because she is still the boss when it comes to something that matters to her, like homework.

I know another family in which a pillow fort would never in a million years be permitted, and even in the basement playroom, only one toy is allowed out at a time.  Their house is spotless, rules are legion, and there is a gourmet meal on the table every night.  Playing outside?  Not so much, but Mom spends hours every day reading to her kids while snuggling them close.  Another fully functional, happy family.

My family works too.  I like to think we are a happy medium, but a happy medium as compared to what?  There is no such thing as normal any more.  There is no longer a preponderance of families with a mom at home, a dad at work, and 2.5 kids behind the picket fence.  We are no longer all eating meatloaf on Tuesdays, and tuna noodle casserole on Thursdays.

I like to think of myself as a problem solver when it comes to kids, but you have to believe in my style of parenting to be willing to try one of my solutions.  If you are a co-sleeping, attachment parenting nut job, or a tiger mom wackadoo (joking, people!) I still welcome you here, and appreciate your comments.  We are all the new normal, and we are all trying to do what we believe is best for our kids.

Dancing in the rain, because she can!

Loving/Discipline

I don't like disciplining my children.  I rarely need to.  Because our house is run on the principles of mutual respect, discipline occurs throughout the day, but disciplinING rarely does.  When the occasion arises, I choose to tread carefully.  While I want my children to respect me, I never want them to fear me.

Every night while I put the baby to bed, the toddler watches a movie while sitting in my bed.  I can see her, but I'm not sure she knows this as the baby's room is dark while I feed her and rock her.  She is typically content to sit and revel in the peace and quiet of a baby free/mom free thirty minutes.  Tonight though, she got down from the bed, pulled down a few books, and was happily coloring in the pages with a pencil she had somehow managed to get off the desk.

I didn't get upset at this.  She is a toddler, this is what toddlers do.

I removed the pencil from her, and firmly but gently told her "We color on paper, not in books."

She lunged at the pencil, grabbed it away from me,ran to the bookshelf and began wildly scribbling on the spines of the books.

This I did get upset with, as this intentionally mischievous behavior is unlike her.  I picked her up, and said again "We color on paper, not in books."

She responded by hitting me, actually pretty painfully, on the face.

I had to take a deep breath because I was in danger of acting in a fashion unbecoming to an adult.  I'm not too proud to admit that my first inclination was to yell at her, and lose my temper.  But what lesson does that teach her?  That mommy is not in control.

I lowered the tone of my voice and said very very firmly, and not so gently "We do NOT hit.  Hitting is mean.  You do NOT get to be mean to other people."

Then she began to cry.  I hugged her tight, lifted the tone of my voice back to gentle and said "I think you are very tired.  You are a very nice girl and you don't usually behave this way.  I hope that in the morning you will feel better and you won't want to be mean anymore."

She put her head on my shoulder, and we hugged an extra few minutes before I put her in her crib thirty minutes before her usual bedtime.

I hope she learned a few things from this.  The first lesson that I hope she learned is that I do know the difference between experimentation and intentional mischief.  She had no idea she wasn't allowed to color in the books.  She was trying something.  It was only problematic when she continued to do so after she was told not to.  The second lesson that I hope she learns is that mom means business.  I told her no, and then immediately reacted when she defied me.  Most importantly though, the lesson that I hope she truly takes to heart is that I remained in control the whole time, and continued to treat her with respect.  I did not act like a child and deal with the situation emotionally, because I am the adult in our relationship.  I hope this gives her comfort as she grows up.  I hope that she knows that she can always rely on me to be calm and in control.  Not in control of her, because I don't want to control her, but in control of myself, and, to the best of my ability, of the circumstances surrounding us.  The world is a crazy place, but HER world need not be if she knows she can trust me to be steady.

Good Morning Sunshine!

My children are very close in age.  While their relationship seems to change daily, at the moment, the toddler tends to ignore the baby, while the baby, of course, chases after the toddler and desperately wants to do and have everything the same.  Any scrap of attention the toddler deigns to give the baby is soaked up like a drop of rain after a drought.

Most of the time, the attention tends to be negative.  Toys get yanked, hair is pulled, shoves are delivered.  Though I try to keep things gentle and polite between them, given that they are both babies, neither one of them really has the comprehension required to take the high road when their doll is getting grabbed away.

Then there are the times when their bond is magical.  The toddler is fiercely protective of the baby.  If the baby leaves the room, she jumps up and follows after her to "check" on her.  If the toddler is fed first, she will carefully select the best pieces from her plate and deliver them to the baby.  Every time we get out of the car, she reminds me not to forget the baby.  Then of course, the baby lights up from toe to hair when she sees her big sister.  She smiles with her whole body.  And the giggles.  Oh my heart, the giggles.  When the two of them play peekaboo together, the giggles are contagious.

I suspect that this is how their relationship will be.  Intense.  Intensely loving, and intensely loathing.  Intensely supportive, and intensely jealous.  Hopefully the giggles will always remain a part of their life.

Right now, there is a moment of every day that lets me know that I didn't screw up too badly by having them so close in age.  Every morning, I get the toddler out of bed, and the first words out of her mouth are "My baby, she need me!"

We go into the baby's room, and the toddler bends down, rubs the baby's head, and says "Good morning Sunshine!"

As if that weren't heart melting enough, as we walk down the stairs, the toddler wraps her arms around the baby and hugs her saying "Oh, you are so soft.  I carry you," while the baby gazes at her big sister  with what can only be described as worship.

By the time we get to the bottom of the stairs, it is every kid for herself as they race into the playroom to grab their favorite toys, but they will always have that moment of Sunshine.

My Kids Aren't Perfect. What???

My older daughter is obsessed with pigs.  She is kind of obsessed with all animals, but she is hardcore obsessed with pigs.  When I have the time and ability to do so, I try to encourage the passion of the moment with field trips to see whatever the "thing" is.  It is a great way to let her know that her interests are valued by me, as well as an easy way to sneak a little bit of learning in, and I am a fan of anything that gets a bored toddler out of the house!

So, today, pigs.  This involved a 90 minute ride in both directions, and a failed car nap attempt from each child.  It was so worth it, as we all had a blast, but as I'm sure you can imagine,it meant that the ride home was a bit painful.  At some point during the ride, it occurred to me that we had no food in the house, and that the dinner hour was imminent, so I made the dubious decision to stop a few miles away from home and take the girls into a restaurant, by myself, after 90 minutes in the car, and no naps.  Can you see where I went wrong??

It.  Was.  A.  Disaster.

The only thing I did right was to pick a casual pizza place.  We got our pizza, and I was able to stop them from re-heating the slices, so the girls were able to start eating right away.  And then, it happened. The toddler threw her pizza on the floor after two bites, stood up in the booth (they had no high chairs) and began dancing, waving, and yelling at the man sitting in the booth behind us.  As I retrieved her pizza (while holding the baby) she reached over, grabbed the salt and pepper, and began sprinkling it all over the place.

I was mortified.  I cleaned up as best I could, and then managed to drag/carry the girls and our dinner out to the car while calmly explaining to her that her behavior was unacceptable.  I didn't belabor the point too much though, as this was entirely my own fault.

By the time we got home, the two bites of dinner she had taken had hit her stomach, and she was back to her calm, reasonable self, thank goodness.  I know we don't always get to parent under perfect circumstances, but we can still find a way to adapt to the situation and make the best of it.  I didn't do that.  I screwed up.

If I could do it all over again, I would have done one of two things.  I would have either brought the kids to the grassy area behind the restaurant and let them run their hooligans out before trying to make them sit nicely, or had pizza delivered to the house and let them play in the back yard while we were waiting for it.  Cranky, over-tired kids who have been cooped up in the car all day are not great dinner companions.

The dinner snafu aside, it truly was an amazing day.  There is nothing better than watching your child's dreams come true.

My Mom-ifesto

What I believe.

• I believe that it is my job to raise my daughters to be productive and happy members of society.
• I believe that it is important for them to know the value of a dollar, and work hard.
• I believe that they can wear princess crowns and tutus while learning how to change a tire.
• I believe that children who are over-indulged are not happy children.
• I believe that learning how to be told "no" and respond gracefully is an important skill.
• I believe that even young children need to have chores and responsibility.
• I believe that good manners are vitally important, even in toddlers.
• I believe that sticks and pinecones make the best toys.
• I believe that children thrive when given strict boundaries.
• I believe that within those strict boundaries, flying can occur.
• I believe that a blanket fort is the best place to be during a thunderstorm.
• I believe that being a parent is hard work, and laziness is simply unacceptable.
• I believe that Friday night should be pizza night.
• I believe that pots and pans and wooden spoons make great music.
• I believe that bedtime should never be a struggle.
• I believe that even toddlers can sit through a meal without being disruptive.
• I believe that it is my duty to teach my girls by setting them a good example.
• I believe that it is ok to have to do things you don't like to do, child or adult.
• I believe that tantrums are a learning experience.
• I believe that all children should learn how to keep house.
• I believe that children shouldn't be over-scheduled.
• I believe that there is always room for improvement as a parent.