Maybe that isn't the best title, as food isn't really a war here. Occasionally a minor skirmish, at worst. My toddler is like any other toddler when it comes to food; one day she LOVES something, and the next day she HATES it. And yes, those need to be capitalized to emphasize the total drama that accompanies those emotions.
From the first day our girls sat in a high chair to eat a meal, we have introduced them to good table manners. They participate in conversation, eat what everyone else is eating, use a fork or spoon, and stay at the table until everyone is done eating, all without being disruptive. This is fairly easy to do with an infant, but even though it has been thoroughly ingrained into the toddler, she still struggles with it on occasion.
We have had to make some compromises. I don't tolerate meal time shenanigans, but I do understand the internal struggle within a toddler when they have to do as they are told and they don't want to. In order to not have our rules constantly tested, we have looked for ways to continue to promote the behaviors we appreciate during meals.
The most important is having all of the food on the table, and her serving cut up and cooled on her plate before calling her to the table. If she has been seated, and I am still cooking, or bringing things to the table, she wants to get up to come help or see what I am doing.
She helps with the cooking. We discuss and taste each ingredient as it is added (except for raw meats and eggs, of course.) She takes a bite out of each veggie as it goes in, so I don't fret if she refuses the veggies on her plate at the meal itself. I do however, put one piece of each veggie on her plate. She doesn't have to eat them, but aren't they nice to look at?
She sets the table. It may not be perfect, but she really does a pretty good job at this, and she feels a sense of power as she decides who sits where. We move her booster seat to whichever place she has selected for herself. This is an area in which it is a simple and appropriate matter to give her some control. I don't care where I sit, so why can't she decide? It also helps to keep her busy while I am dealing with a hot pan or sharp knife and don't want her helping me.
She gets a small amount of everything. Each meal includes protein, grain, at least one but usually two vegetables, and a piece of fruit. If she has a big mounding plate, you can see her getting overwhelmed, even if it is something she quite enjoys, so she gets small servings and when she finishes something, she is welcome to ask for more. The fruit, by the way, is a key player here. If she doesn't like what we are eating, she doesn't get something different, but she will always eat that fruit.
I try to cook at least one thing with each meal (besides the fruit) that I know she will enjoy. I find that if she isn't stressed about a whole plateful of "yucky" then she is much more willing to have a few bites of the undesirable items without ever needing to be prodded. That prodding, by the way, is a power struggle you shouldn't be engaging in. Begging or insisting your child eat something is a waste of your energy. Either you will lose, or be forced to bribe or threaten, neither of which enhances your standing as the adult in the house. Control the situation in other ways!
Dessert is always home baked, and only offered when everyone has finished eating at dinner time. Even if she didn't eat an adequate amount of dinner, but sat nicely with us, she gets a small piece of dessert. This typically keeps her at the table through the meal. I would, of course, rather she ate a full balanced dinner before having dessert, but most nights she does, and the nights she doesn't, I consider the fact that she sits politely through a meal she doesn't enjoy to be a grownup act. If she gets down from the table, no dessert, even if she comes back. This is all done without discussion or negotiation. It simply is.
Things that end her meal abruptly with no further food available to her; throwing food, banging silverware, intentionally spilling her water (accidents are NEVER a big deal,) standing up on her chair, being disruptive in any way. She is gently removed from the table, and reminded firmly and evenly that we do not ____________________. That's that. No further conversation needed. She is welcome to cry or scream about it, but I don't engage. It doesn't take too many times of doing this before that behavior doesn't happen anymore. Children learn very quickly when consistency is applied to their actions. And no, she isn't warned. She knows the rules, and doesn't need to be reminded. When she was younger she was reminded and then prevented from doing it again, but the time of "chances" has ended. She remembers places she visited 6 months ago, so I know she remembers that she may not dump her water on the floor.
After dinner, she helps clean up. Though just a few weeks shy of 2 years old, there are plenty of things she is capable of and enjoys doing. She is fantastic at clearing the table and putting the scraps into the dogs bowls. She loves to load the dishwasher. She may not be thorough, but she sure is enthusiastic about sweeping the floor and washing the table! When she helps, she is praised for doing so, though not effusively. "Thank you for helping me. You make me so happy when you help me," is appropriate. She also gets specific credit. I don't say "Wow, you did SUCH a great job cleaning the table," because it isn't true. Instead, I say "You know, I love how hard you worked on that table. I'm very proud of you for working so hard." The baby helps clean up too. She gets a rag and wipes her own highchair tray. This is obviously an exercise in participation rather than an expectation that even an inch of her tray will get cleaned.
There are days that the toddler is more challenging, and those are the days in which I am extra glad that so much work went in to table manners when she was an infant. I can't even imagine dealing with the will of a toddler while trying to teach proper meal time behavior.
