Getting To Say Yes

I want to make the world a magical place for my daughters.  I absolutely love getting to say yes to them, or giving them special treats.  It would be wonderful to be able to say yes to them all the time, and give them everything imaginable.  In a perfect world, that kind of indulgence would result in positive outcomes, but in our world, that doesn't seem to be the case.

It is pretty obvious after spending any amount of time at the playground that too much indulgence doesn't tend to result in happy, well behaved children.  Overheard today.

"Ryan, time to go," says a mom with a bit of desperation in her voice.
4 year old Ryan ignores her.
"Hey buddy, time to go.  Daddy will be home soon, and we need to cook dinner."
Ryan ignores her.
"Come on Ry Ry.  Time to go.  You can pick whatever you want to watch on the ride home."  Mom is now begging.
"No!" Ryan shrieks and runs away, urging his giggling playmates to run away with him.
She follows him to the other side of the playground.  He and the other boys run back towards where I am sitting.
"Come on buddy.  You can have a cupcake while I cook!"  She sneaks a peek at me to see if I am judging her for this.  I'm honestly not, as, for all I know, she and Ryan are just having an off day, which I have certainly experienced with my own kids.  But I do feel badly for her.  She is receiving no respect from her child, and that has got to hurt.

Eventually she bribes Ryan into leaving with her, and I watch my toddler dumping sand on her delighted little sister while I think about what I just saw.  How would I handle that if it were my child?

First off, I would have given him a five minute warning, and a one minute warning.  I think that helps set the stage for the actions and consequences to follow.  When time was up, I would tell them it was time to go, just as she did.  But if my child ignored me, I would simply go pick him up and we'd leave, shrieking and kicking or not.  He would be welcome to scream for as long as he wanted, but I'm the adult, and I make the rules.

Now, there is a flip side to this scenario.  If my child were always well behaved, and always respectfully listened when I said it was time to leave, this is what would happen...

"Ryan, time to go."
"Mom, I am really having a lot of fun.  Can I please have five more minutes?"
"Of course."

Isn't that a heck of a lot nicer?  And no, I'm not dreaming.  My 2 year old has already mastered this skill.  She is a dream to shop with.  No tantrums, no grabbing things off the shelf, no running off.  So when she politely asks for a special treat, I get to say yes if it is appropriate, and if it is not appropriate, she gets a valid explanation which she actually listens to and respects.  Her most frequent request is to pick which fruit we buy at the grocery store.  She asks if she may pick, and I say yes.  Saying yes to her feels SO good, because she has earned it through great behavior.

I do need to point out that I never tell her that this is a reward, as I don't believe that it is.  I don't want our relationship to be based on reward/punishment.  Instead, I look at it as a sign of mutual respect.  She respects me enough to be well behaved and polite, and I respect that she is a nice person, and I treat her like a nice person.  When she is not acting with respect, and she is not acting like a nice person, I will not be able to say yes to her.  It is not a punishment, it is simply the way it goes.  A punishment is being sent to your room, or being grounded.  This is the back and forth flow of a relationship.